Called & Lonely:
The Isolation that Ministry Life Can Bring
Written by Brittany Koleba
I remember when I first heard someone say, “Pastors and their spouses can’t have friends in their congregation. At least not real ones anyway.” I was appalled, in denial, and hopeful that I could prove this statement wrong. I couldn’t fathom that a sacred calling to “love God and love others” could ever be a hindrance to connection (Matt. 22:37). The years have come and gone in ministry and I have been able to prove this claim somewhat wrong. But the hard truth is, that leadership in ministry often brings with it feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Although the pastoral role is engulfed in relationships, “We shouldn’t confuse social interaction with supportive relationships” (Proeschold-Bell & Byassee, 2018, p. 128). It is important to contemplate the nature and function of the relationships that surround a pastor. Pastors often find themselves in the caregiving role, which can be meaningful and rewarding but\ is also work and comes with a cost to the pastor. Other relationships within the congregation, though somewhat reciprocal, seem to require ongoing discernment in what is wise to share and what is not. These relationships can leave a pastor feeling like they are always “on” and longing for a place where they can be fully themselves, at rest and comfortable (Proeschold-Bell & Byassee, 2018).
Pastors often draw on the meaningfulness of their work to be resilient, specifically through their sacred calling, theological meaning, and partnership with God (Clarke, 2022). A calling to sacred work often leads clergy into the spaces where they come face to face with suffering, death, and heartache. Sacred work takes pastors to the spaces that only Christ would go and joins them with the redemptive work of the suffering one (Proeschold-Bell & Byassee, 2018). These uncomfortable and messy spaces, though beautiful and meaningful, can become lonely for clergy, leaving them resentful and wondering, “Aren’t we all called to walk as Christ walked?” On this same note, a pastor can feel like they are carrying the weight of their church all alone and that they are the ones who have to make sure things get done, whereas for everyone else it is optional.
As significant as calling is to pastoral ministry it is not enough to sustain resilience in ministry. The church has an arch of victory over it “as the most resilient movement in history” and during this movement, leaders have always needed support, and isolation has never been an option (Austin & Comeau, p.xviii, 2022). Jesus set an example of surrounding himself with support, his disciples, Mary, Martha, and others (Austin & Comeau, 2022). We see a beautiful picture of trusting God and supporting leadership in Exodus when Aaron and Hur hold up the tired arms of Moses (Exod 17:12).
Recognizing the need for support is important, but should go further. It can sometimes be discouraging when needs are identified but not met. Loneliness for a pastor can come in the form of feeling uncared for, but not being able to ask for what you need. It is not uncommon for pastors to have unmet needs, but feel unable to voice them. This tension is described as “needs-supplies alignment” and can leave a pastor feeling very alone if there is not enough supply offered to fulfill their needs, whether it be financial, time to rest, professional development opportunities, emotional support, and so on (Bloom, 2019, p. 10). Pastors often feel like they should just be grateful for what they have and speaking up to shine light on their own needs is very vulnerable and highly isolating.
When things get hard, research shows that pastors tend to turn inward, looking to hobbies, spiritual devotions and maybe their spouse. But they don’t tend to reach out for help. (Proeschold-Bell & Byassee, 2018). This bend towards isolation is possibly a reaction of self-protection. Reaching out feels too risky. Pastors often give to others on a daily basis, offering emotional support and guidance, but may end up feeling totally burnt out because no one refreshes and supports them emotionally (Proeschold-Bell & Byassee, 2018). When pastors feel isolated they are far more prone to depression and all that it brings with it, low energy, lack of zest for life, anxiety, and feelings of worthlessness (Proeschold-Bell & Byassee, 2018). Isolation does not lend itself to resilience or flourishing in ministry.
Having at least two people that you can bear your soul and say anything to is essential to resilience in ministry (Bloom, 2019). These people could be a spouse, fellow pastor, denomination leader, or family. It can be especially helpful if it is someone who knew the pastor before ministry life (Bloom, 2019). Finding friends outside of the congregation can also be beneficial, fostering the pastor's ability to be themselves and not worry about what the other person thinks. It is significant to work on these friendships and not only call them in crisis, but to reach out in celebration and daily life (Proeschold-Bell & Byassee, 2018). Establishing an annual retreat that carves out space for connection with your safe people is recommended (Proeschold-Bell & Byassee, 2018).
Being called can feel lonely, but it actually determines that having support is necessary to your lifestyle. Pastors are not meant to do it alone (Austin & Comeau, 2022). Pastors can sometimes feel like they have to appear to have it all together and hesitate showing weakness to anyone, but authenticity is key to pastoral well-being (Bloom, 2019) (Austin & Comeau, 2022).
If there is something holding you back from seeking out supportive relationships, would reaching out be worth the risk?
Brittany passionately believes that no one is meant to walk alone. She cares deeply about connection and considers it a privilege to walk alongside others. Together with her husband, Jeremy, she has lived a life of ministry for the last 20 years as he pastors a local church. Brittany’s beautiful and sometimes crazy days are filled with mom life, ministry and studying towards a Masters of Marriage and Family Therapy. Brittany enjoys thrifting, pottery and a good patio on a sunny day with friends.