Vulnerability & Reflection in the Midst of Ministry
Written by Brittany Koleba
When my husband and I were first married we threw everything into our ministry. He was a full-time youth pastor. After my work day, I would join him and the youth at any of the events and Bible studies going on. In those days I didn’t think twice about how much ministry enmeshed our lives because it just worked. Soon our first child came along, and all of a sudden, I was stuck at home with a screaming baby while he continued to throw himself into ministry. Resentment began to grow in my heart. My life had changed completely but his did not seem to at all. I felt ashamed that I resented his ministry and hopeless to know how to change my situation. For a long time, I waited for it to get better. Life and ministry kept going, propelling me into more and more resentment with each passing prayer meeting, youth event, or Bible study. I was at home with the baby, while he was pouring into the lives of others.
Looking back at that time, I wish I had said something sooner, instead of waiting for it to change. Ministry can be demanding and very seldom does it spontaneously give you space for reflection and change. Ministry is not a just job, but a lifestyle (Burns et al. 2013). Before our baby came along, we did not acknowledge or consider how ministry and family life would interact. Now, in the thick of it, I was scared to tell my husband that I was unhappy. I thought I needed to just suck it up and be thankful.
Often pastoral spouses feel like they need to sacrifice their own well-being for the sake of the ministry and end up saying nothing about feelings of abandonment or resentment, all the while living in a space of unhappy martyrdom (Burns et al., 2012). Additionally, pastoral couples might imagine that feeling happy is an unnecessary luxury that is not promised by God, that they have not been called to happiness (Bloom, 2019). However, research shows that pastors in fulfilling marriages seem to flourish and thrive in ministry (Bruns et al., 2012).
One way to check in on your well-being is to consider it on a daily level. Daily well-being is the idea that, more good days + fewer bad days = an overall happier, more fulfilling life. In other words, “Good days, and bad days, add up over time and affect our health, our capacity to be at our best, our ability to adapt and change, and a host of other important life outcomes” (Bloom, 2019, p. 5). People in ministry need to reflect on their daily lives, what they are filled with, and evaluate if it is sustainable.
I was hoping my situation would just get better, but bad days + more hard days = a very unhappy wife who resents her pastoral husband. Hope and change came within our marriage and ministry when I took the brave step to tell my husband I was not okay and that my well-being was compromised. It was not fixed all at once, but opening up the conversation and really acknowledging each other in the midst of ministry brought up new ideas and strategies for more fulfilling days. I began meeting with a new friend every Friday morning while our baby spent the morning with my husband. Many Friday mornings added up to a beautiful friendship that is a joy and support to me even today.
When is the last time you check in with yourself or your spouse about ministry and well-being? The realities of a ministry lifestyle shift on an ongoing basis. As I quickly learned, there is no one way to function as a pastoral spouse. The needs of family and life stages are ever-changing. An ongoing openness and conversation around family life and ministry is vital to the well-being of pastoral families (Bruns et al., 2012).
If you are feeling unhappy or seem to have more hard days than good days, tell someone. You can reach out to a trusted confidant, tell your spouse, or seek professional help in the form of counseling. There are reflective tools that acknowledge the unique calling that pastors have and the adversity, support, and risks within that calling (Clarke, 2021). Creating a regular space for reflection and vulnerability can foster recognition of wounds within ministry but also stimulate creative ideas to tap into support and enhance daily well-being.
Brittany passionately believes that no one is meant to walk alone. She cares deeply about connection and considers it a privilege to walk alongside others. Together with her husband, Jeremy, she has lived a life of ministry for the last 20 years as he pastors a local church. Brittany’s beautiful and sometimes crazy days are filled with mom life, ministry and studying towards a Masters of Marriage and Family Therapy. Brittany enjoys thrifting, pottery and a good patio on a sunny day with friends.